A Triathlete's Christmas Wish...

Christmas, or whatever holiday you celebrate that's overshadowed by shinny balls and a fat man looking for hoes, is a particularly interesting time of year. 

A set of weeks that can be hard on people who are desperately trying to buy the right gift, make the right craft or scramble for a last minute purchase of whatever the hell's left (oh look, a battery powered toothbrush, she'll love this!!). If you're a triathlete though, you can go ahead and tell your family "you're welcome"... cause it's so terribly easy to spend money on you. If you practice the threesome of sport you also carry a want list that's three times as long.... guaran-fuckin-teed!! 

So what are some hot products on the average triathlete's wish lists this year?? Here they are, in order from cheap as heck to you better be a trophy wife....

From welfare grandma: 

Gu, chomps or whatever other form of energy you hold near and dear to your heart. These little babies are great as stocking stuffers because who doesn't blow through packs of these quicker than a fat kid at halloween? At about $1.25 a pack or $30 for a 24 pack it's a good buy.

From the 30 year old sibling still in college:

A Road ID. It's a great gift, cause no one wants to crash and have to be identified by the nickname "gravel ass".
Or some goggles, cause well you need em, unless you're one of those weird du-people (get outta y'here). I recommend blue seventys. ($15-$60)

From your favorite Aunt, uncle or transgender relative:

Pretty right?? Transition bags are something that every triathlete can benefit from even if it's just to stay organized for training. They range from $30 to $250, depending on how many small children you're planning on transporting to the race site.

From Mom or Dad:

The taint savior also referred to as Adamo (pronunciations vary but no one really knows how to say it) is a two pronged saddle that people swear by. If your sac of yumyums or lady hoha has ever gone numb on you, ya might wanna check these out ($80-$200). 

Also, I have not tested but hear good things about Cobb saddles.

From the significant other:

An aero helmet is something that is by no means necessary but they look cool as hell. Anyone can be a triathlete but can you look good doin it? 

A garmin on the other hand is handy as hell... it's the triathlete's swiss army knife (except it beeps, glows and wont help you open a can of chili). If you want to look at your pace every 10 seconds you can.... if you wanna analyze how high you climbed before you fell over, you can... Garmin will answer all of your obsessive compulsive inquiries. ($90-$400)

If you married rich or are a trust fund baby:

The coveted power meter. Screw race wheels... if you want improvement and you want someone to spend a butt ton of money on you, er... I mean, really show they care - ask for one of these bad boys. They start around $1500 and climb high. Ask any coach or professional triathlete though, and they'll tell you it was a good investment.

Funny Videos....

What a swim start feels like.....

Bike Training?!?!

This video is so-so but it brings up some very valid points. Did someone switch your coffee with Fourloco??

Veggie Tales Update

One whole week went by without a single meat pop or filet oh flesh. Being a meat-atarian I was truly surprised to admit that except for one wildly vivid dream about a giant cheeseburger, I really didn't miss it.

However, I work from home on most days... which means A) I don't have to put on pants and B) I don't have to hunt for a lunch venue. I love to cook and having the option to do so for breakfast, lunch and dinner makes my choices for veggiepalooza kind of easy, or so I assumed at the beginning of the week. I made black bean wraps, sweet potato stir fry, baked goods, veggie pizzas, pumpkin smoothies, the list goes on. The difficult part was not making meals that were starch based. I had to revisit the food pyramid and truly, just because I like to cook doesn't mean I'm some 50's housewife in heals running around with 12 baking sheets of homemade what-the-hells. Some days I'd get lazy and end up eating an entire bowl of corn for lunch or a plate of lettuce with craisins on it.

After the week was up, I made a few observations:

• I felt cleaner
• I felt more energetic
• I felt excessively bloated 
• I felt like my bowel movements were seriously fibrous (aren't you glad I shared that one)

At the end of day #7 our triathlon team had a cuban pig roast party. There was table upon table of food, a 100+ pound slow cooked piggly wiggly, sangria, dips, deserts... it was a smorgasbord and as soon as I laid eyes on it, my will power went on vacation. 

I had shrimp first, it was amazing, light and juicy and went down with such ease. I could've eaten 12 more cups of these little pink sea creatures. As soon as the pork was done I rushed over, "Fork It", this little piggy is going to market and market tastes goooooood. Post meal, I felt a little off though (maybe it was the sangria) and I slowly remembered the things that pissed me off about red meat: fatty bits, skin, random tendony things, bones. Vegetables and fruits have annoying innards but they never gross me out or sneak up in unassuming bites, "aw man, an apple core, foiled again!"

Hey Baby, want some-a my cider *wink* *hides ankle bracelet* 

Now I know the scale is just about as trustworthy as a drunk ex boyfriend but the next day I was 2 pounds lighter. I see how it is, already trying to screw with me Scaley McScalestein. I stepped off in a confused stupor and figured maybe he just needed more time, he'd tell me the truth eventually. 

So where do I go from here? I was supposed to go for a full 3 weeks but perhaps I don't fit the mold of a true vegetarian and trying to continue on as such may just be a wasted effort. After just 1 week I figured out that I did enjoy making vegetables the star of my meals, I didn't like reintroducing red meats and I did adore the fishes... cause they're so delicious. So I'll stick with the things I like for awhile and see if they like me back. But I do give a huge kudos to all the vegemites out there, especially the real job types who have to find lunch food out in the real world...my race hat goes off to you!

Veggiesaurus

The day after my 70.3 I had a food celebration and crammed everything and anything into my gullet. Gas station candy, fast food, ice cream... you name it, I ate it. After which my stomach felt huge and I became uncomfortable in my own body. The bathroom activity alone was a terrible experience, I wasn't sure if it was because of my dietary indiscretions or if I was experiencing my first "Gu only" bowel movement.

Chocolate outrage....they were warning me.

Regardless, after that feeling and not having reached my race weight I decided it was time for a change. Since it's slipping into fall I knew that there'd be a few guarantees for this time of year....

1. Pumpkin injects itself into everything.... and my morning facebook stalking gets exponentially more annoying because everyone thinks pumpkin latte posts are oh.em.gee so intriguing.

2. Girls start FREAKING OUT about halloween costumes.... don't worry, just pick the most whoresome outfit in your closet and slap a name tag on it. Nurse, maid, chupacabra - doesn't matter, after 1 am your ass is freezing because you're only wearing 3 inches of clothing and the guy who was buying you drinks has moved on to the girl in her underwear (noble choice).

If a chick can pull of this name tag I'll buy her dinner.

3. It's the off season for races but the on season for getting fat..... Halloween candy. Holiday parties. Thanksgiving buffets. Christmas cookies. The temptations for terrible food choices get exponentially worse until that ball drops on your scale.

So as number 3 looms, here comes my impulse decision... I'm going vegetarian. I've been a carnivore my whole life, I love anything protein, even down to the crappiest mystery hot dog.  Mmmmm hot dog.

These are organic right?!?

It seems however that when I'm allowed to stick anything in my mouth, I do just that (get your mind out of the gutter). I watched Food, Inc., I talked to fellow healthy eaters, I read food blogs, they all backed my thought that I needed to do something extreme. I needed something that would short out my hardwiring and cause me to pause before I ate half a pizza or a fork full of cheese covered breakfast potatoes.

So, for 3 weeks I will eat a balanced vegetarian diet and find out if:

• It makes me think about my choices. 
• It makes my body feel cleaner, healthier and/or more fulfilled. 
• It allows for enough energy and muscle fuel for workouts. 

The next natural question everyone I've told has had, "what about Mike??" As if he's going to keel over and starve. So I suppose if anyone wants to buy him a cheeseburger for lunch, I'm sure he'd appreciate it. Otherwise, my kitchen, get your bacon ass out of here.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go have an onion or something....

The Tinman wants an Iron Heart.....

On September 25, 2011 at 3:31pm I crossed a finish line.... not only did I cross a finish line but I let out a guttural yell, began crying and hugged my boyfriend longer than comfortably allowable in such a sweaty state. It was the day of my first half Ironman or as some prefer 70-dot-3. The following is my story:

Pre-Race

A week before the race I knew losing the 20 pounds to get me to peak race weight was impossible unless I got liposuction or dropped a toddler sized deuce, an uncomfortable thought. Despite standing on a self induced weight plateau I felt that my body was ready for the race ahead. So I tapered properly, packed up, checked my list (only once, Santa must be OCD) and got on the road towards Augusta, Georgia. 

Antici.......pation

We had about 40 triathlete friends who were in Augusta for this event so from the second I arrived I became highly over stimulated. My own neurotic thoughts about random things like whether I picked the right socks (in a weird turn of events this was in fact an important decision) mixed with the infectious  energy of surrounding people created "what the f*ck cat":

He thinks my race belt's sexy. It really turns him on. 

Worked up, I slept like absolute poop cakes the night before and waited for the clock to hit 4am, as if I was chained to the bed until it hit that exact hour. I watched my boyfriend climb out of bed to take the first of many pre-race potty runs... I myself had 5, just to be safe. And with that we headed off to the race...

The Swim
Arriving at the swim start my anxiety doubled, possibly tripled...I'm not sure but I know I needed to pee again to calm down. I had made the decision to go sans wetsuit the day before and I was second guessing myself seeing so many waves suit up. My coach must've seen this because I was pulled aside right before my 8:52am start, given a pep talk and what was really needed, a hug (lame I know, but deep down I'm just a big vagina). The swim was massively quick and I felt like I'd barely exerted energy at all when I ran onto the platform 27 minutes later. I saw my friend Danielle 5 feet ahead of me and knew I needed to stay with her if I wanted to stay on track, she was my rabbit.

Total: 1.2 mi. (27:56)

1:28/100m

Saddle up...I'm heading to the Carolinas

The Bike
After 3:53 in T1 I had already lost site of thumper... I started my Garmin and began watching my time closely, it was up to me. I had planned my nutrition meticulously and knew taking in enough fuel was half the battle of this distance. Too much and I was gonna throw up, too little and I was going to be the little engine that couldn't.... and then as if right on cue, I dropped all of my salt tablets. Not even 3 miles out the door and my meticulous plan might as well have been written in crayon. I decided I was going to get as much salt from performance drinks as I could. I chugged one, then did my first ever aid station bike grab - I spoke to the guy in slow motion figuring it'd be a little more entertaining, "thaaaaaank youuuuuu". He chuckled out of pity I think. My drink plan plus intaking sports beans or a waffle every 30 minutes kept me not only energized but let me launch ahead of two of my tri bike team mates in the last 10 miles of cycling.

Total: 56 mi. (3:09:33)

17.73 mph

The Run
T2 lasted a total of 2:23 - socks, shoes, hat and I'm out and right on schedule. If I can just pull a 2 hour & 30 minute half marathon I can make it around 6 hours, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! I do not have a fond love for running, not even a mild crush but what I had energy, still, somehow. I ran till the second aid station where I treated it like the open bar at an ex's wedding... 1 water, 1 sport drink, 1 coke, 1 cookie and a cup of ice. Back to running. At mile 5 the shit hit the proverbial fan and flung it around like a monkey on spring break. The foot problems I'd had in the past just resurfaced with spectacular timing... I knew there was only one answer, the shoes had to come off. How the hell was I gonna make it through another 8 miles of rain drenched, rock paved roads in my soaking wet thin gray socks?!?! It didn't matter how, I'd already gone 62 miles, I had to finish even if it was as my alter ego "Barefoot Chuck". Each step got more painful, more blister prone, more ankle wrenching, but I was close. With only a mile left I saw my coach for the second time that day. Standing in the middle of the road he said "if you have to drop your shoes, drop em"... what I heard was "GO"! The shoes hit the ground and I took off. Mom, dad, sweet sweaty boyfriend - I'm coming, I'm coming for my bling!!!!!!!!!! And I did...

Total: 13.1 mi (2:55:41)

13:24/mi

Overall Finishing Time 6:39:26

The Aftermath

I was not hungry or thirsty after passing the line, all I wanted was someone to fix my feet. I hobbled to the massage tent where a nice lady looked at my them and responded "ohhh dear no, you need ummm, not a massage, a salt bath, maybe?" As the day went on my feet callused over but the hunger didn't set in until the next morning where I demolished 3 plates of breakfast foods....

Actual size. 

The next morning also brought a soreness I'd never known before. I couldn't laugh because it made my ass hurt, I couldn't walk faster than an 80 year old and I was chaffed in parts of my body I didn't know were chafe-able. After the dust settled and the muscles loosened up all I'm left with is my race goodies, the pictures, the memories, the bragging rights and the task of setting new goals. I think that's a pretty sweet trade off really.

1st Rule of Triathlon Club....

I assume anyone whose reading this blog also reads Triathlete Magazine. It's a great little publication filled with articles on what to expect, how-tos and the must have products of the season (of course you need that $500 helmet, how else will you get faster?!?). However, there are quite a few things they always seem to leave off about the sport of triathlon that I feel are very important....

Number 10. Pre-race/ride includes quite a few people with hands down their pants... don't worry, you didn't accidentally show up to the "public masturbator's first annual tri" - applying chamois butter to your favorite parts is just an awkward situation.

Number 9. There's going to be a point in your tri career when you're going to be very pissed that you got fingernail stabbed by an overzealous "stripper" - but very happy that you can use that line for the rest of your life.

Number 8. If you see someone on a bike who keeps adjusting what seems like their knee (comes out of the saddle, swings a knee out and plants back down) you've just become a mind reader because that maneuver is the equivalent of yelling "Jeeeeebus my taint hurts!"

Number 7. If you see someone continuously look back while on their bike or run, they're surveying the scene for "fart radius" - word of advice, speed the hell up before this individual crop dusts the area.

Number 6. Everyone loves the guy who knows the nearest breakfast joint, if you're trying to make friends in this community, study up and become the awesome.

Number 5. You will inevitably have a weird bathroom story.
Examples: Friend of mine had to piddle after a long run... she went to sit down as every lady does (well most) and slid right off the seat - culprit: sweat butt.
My moment came when we launched on a 50 mile bike ride and I did not get a chance to have my morning carbo-unload... the moment we pulled in after the ride I ditched my bike and dead sprinted (ok more like squeeze ass jogged) to the bathroom, sat down and mid bomb realized I was still wearing my helmet. Safety first I suppose.

Number 4. Body glide goes everywhere. If you're not sure if you should put it there, put it there. Why they haven't created pre-race body glide baths is beyond my knowledge but hopefully it's in the works and I call dibs.

Number 3. There's a lot of people wadding around in the water before a race... you'll never know who's warming up and who's using earth's porta potty. Either way, don't be judgmental... it's not a sin to pee, it's just a way to skip the line.

Number 2. Triathlon is addictive. Don't kid yourself into thinking you'll just do one to get it off the bucket list, because it will just change from one triathlon to one 70.3 to one Ironman to 10 Ironmen and so on. Triathlon is athletic heroine and if you wanna be inducted into the club, you gotta be ready to pay up for the high.

Number 1. The first rule of triathlon club is EVERYONE talks about triathlon club... and they won't shut up. If you start a conversation with a triathlete about triathlon expect to be there for awhile or come up with a great excuse to walk away, I suggest "I forgot I left my cat on fire".

Dirty Deeds....

Today ends the hardest week of training I've ever experienced. It wasn't because of intensive workouts, there were no accidents or major incident. The hardest part of this week was admitting defeat long before I'd ever reached the butterflies of the start line....

At the beginning of the summer I started doing hopscotch over the idea of doing a marathon with a group of sarcastic-ass runners appropriately self proclaimed "BAMF". These folks were from all around the nation brought together by their passion for races, beer and ridiculous pillow fights. We all signed up, booked a hotel and started doing the Carlton... *snap, shimmy, shimmy, snap*

Boys keep showing up in my yard - something about milkshakes??

Fast forward a few months.... the dust has settled and we are now 3 weeks away from launch. I experienced what every athlete will come to know at some point in their athletic career - a time when life gets in the way.

First priority was trying to make my new business successful (still working on it) - second to that was training for my first 70.3 (winning) - and falling in last was trying to get up to running 20 something miles without a pair of wheelies or a jet pack. But during my run yesterday it hit me... Crap, I can't afford a damn jet pack.

The little nugget saying "you're not ready, get ready already" had finally grown into "you've run out of time". And with great enlightenment comes an anxiety attack, I'm going to disappoint. If you're not a robot or giant bag of douche you know that disappointment is the worst of all guttural feelings (second only to chipotle). But once I let it sink through my bowels and accepted that I was going to have to relax and let it pass, I felt a little lighter. We informed the authorities of our descent into "training smart" and with that it was done. There was sad emoticons and talk of a serious crew disbanding but nothing that would end friendships or cause a random french guy to say "fire ze missiles". It came down to the simple fact that I would get my 70.3 medal, but the 26.2 bling and the BAMF flashmob would just have to wait....

The Bend and Snap...

Have you ever bent down to touch your toes and realized, you're just not that damn flexible? Somehow this has been the case for my entire life - I've always been athletic but never stretchy. Just once I'd like to do the bend and snap with a little flair dang it!

She's got such a sweet hairdo! Jealous.

In recent years I've begun cross training with yoga, maybe not as consistently as I should but non-the-less attending. Amazingly it's helped with my travels to "this little piggy town". If I huff and I puff, I can sometimes get all the way down there. It's not just the toes and the snap that's on my radar, I am the sexual triathlete after all. If you've ever looked at a kama sutra book such as this one:

Bring it to your next book club meeting.

everything in there requires you to be at the very least a yoga instructor - which by the way is the new generation of what men oogle. Sorry gymnasts, you're old news... and sorry yoga instructors, you're in for a world of terrible pickup lines.


So for my goal of becoming more flexible I started trying different yoga venues. Recently, I sighted the amazing Rasalila Fest. It's pretty much the marathon of the yoga world, extending from 9am to 8:30pm and if anything is going to enlighten, enrich and enbendify my temple of a body that's got to be the place. The event offers 11 different yoga styles, 9 musical acts, lectures, meditations, artists, food and other specialties that can keep everyone occupied with all kinds of downward dog antics. It comes to Orlando on September 10th and I plan on spending the entire 12 hours there or as long as it takes for me to touch the toe that went to market.

Like

Here's one of my favorite blogger's look at Rasa-lila Tampa:
http://mealsandmiles.com/2011/04/16/rasa-lilla-fest/

MattressMan 70.3...

You train hard. You also try to get as much McLovin as your girlfriend/boyfriend/business card you dialed will let you. Here are two humptivities that may help your triathlon performance or just make for a funny story...

****Hit the kegel gym!! ****

Kegels are exercises to strengthen the PC muscles in your pelvis. With some Barry White flowing, men flex the love muscles to delay an oncoming orgasm and this face:

Women can also flex them to create a tighter snuggie (not available in animal print). For triathletes, having great PC muscles can mean the difference between a quick pit stop at transition or peeing whenever your bladder dings ready. Giving your $3,000+ bike or the buff and soon to be pissed off triathlete behind you a golden shower is not good for business. So go ahead and squeeze, squeeze, squeeze till your hearts content... you can't pull that bad boy.

****Practice your aero position****

Step 1. Acquire a really comfortable partner who doesn't mind laughing a little while naked. If your partner laughs every time you get naked you might wanna reassess your situation or invest in one of those fancy pumps. Step 2. Assume the position: "doggie style". The, uh, top dog basically does the normal thing but adds a twist by leaning forward and laying their forearms on the partners shoulder blades. If your partner is really freakin cool/kinky/roofied you can ask for some pig tails to change your imaginary gears. Rule - if you take this route you've gotta change your "cadence" with your fake gear changes... break the rule and you've gotta figure out how to do this in the drops. 

Being in this position while continuing your race pace (whether it be sprint or ironman) brings your lower core, back and glute muscles into action and makes for a sex workout and ummm better bike handling skills. 

Crosstrainapalooza - Part II

So part one covered my favorite cross training: Paddleboard and Yoga. Part II is designated for the "well that was fun" and "why is the clock not moving faster" classes I've been to...

1. Suspension Training aka TRX - 

These classes use suspension bands and ropes designed to use your fat ass against you. You pull, push, suspend and lean every meal you've had in the last 48 hours against these ropes and recall with vivid hatred the swim workout you're paying double for now. 

Slow motion bend and snap

I enjoyed this workout and it's twist on traditional muscle building. Planking is much harder when you're suspended a foot above the ground and still trying not to fart. If you're one of those 12 egg whites a day strength addict types, you'll probably love this. For me  it goes in the "well that was fun...I'll go back if my friends go" category for the following reasons:


Con #1 - The little holes you put your body parts into are great if you were born with only arms. Luckily I ended up with these crazy things attached to my hips that I spent an abundant amount of time getting into these freakin loops just so I could do 10 push ups before I switched to another position. 

Con #2 - This doesn't seem beginner athlete friendly, not that the instructors aren't nice, incredibly so in fact. But you've already got to be relatively svelte and with a decent core to get up and in some positions. The "I wanna get in shape" crowd could end up spending half the class on the floor without having a strength or weight loss base. 
Con #3 - This stems off part 2... if you're not in shape and your arms, legs, body gives out you're gonna "funniest home videos" face smack on the floor and although that's awesome to me cause I'm not adverse to the always classy point and laugh, it's probably not so fun to feel. Stamped: unsafe fall zone. 

2. Barre -
This class incorporates the ballet bar into a workout routine and it's the new workout craze, or so I've been told.

If only this strap was a fruit roll up...Nom nom...

This class was indeed a workout. I took breaks, I skipped a rep or 2 from muscle fatigue and I felt my glutes the next morning when I went to have my morning "carbo-unload". We did work using resistance bands, pilates balls, medicine balls, yoga moves, isometrics, weights, hip hop booty moves, shoot what didn't we do. The class moves relatively quick and tends to make you push through as many reps of a position as you can and then hold it to really sink in that burning sensation (kind of like exercise herpes).

I only have 2 cons for this class and they're not really about the quality of workout at all.. but they're deal breakers:

Con #1 - Only slightly male friendly. This class does not steer men away, there were 2 in my class, but quite a few of the moves are geared towards women specifically. Seeing a guys face turn uneasy and uncomfortable hits my "unlike" button. 

Con #2 - Price. Across the board the average price for a 55 minute barre method class is $22. An unlimited month is $100-150. Now for any regularly active person with regularly active bills that's absurd. I'm not about to pay half of my monthly gym membership to be able to put my leg up on your fancy wooden pole, not even if it vibrated!




3. Strip Aerobics - 
Ok so I did not venture to do the pole dancing... I'm a klutzy human being as it is, so breaking myself trying to slide down the non-proverbial pole didn't sound like a good time. Maybe if they set up some of those bowling bumper lanes underneath I'll give it a (pun intended) spin. I did try some sexy floor moves and a lap dancing course.

Can you make me a sandwich too hun??

The floor moves were fun... think Zumba but way less flaily and way more why isn't my sexy face working?!? Both courses had you smacking your own butt a lot, whipping your hair around and feeling yourself up more than your 6th grade crush. At some moments you feel super HOT and others super awkward (see: feeling yourself up in a room full of strangers). This class goes into the "one time fun"category and here's why:


Con #1 - This is a BIGGIE - I did not feel like I got a workout. I shuffled my feet a bit but I barely broke a sweat and didn't feel like I was working any major muscles so not really cardio, not really strength and not really much in between except more butt smacking.
Con #2 - Estrogen only. They're not about to shoo men away but there's also not men lining up at the door for these classes. I like what testosterone brings to exercise venues, it pushes me and it's good to look at. Thumbs down.
Con #3 - Not practical moves. If I had gone home, sat my man down on a chair and started the new dance routine I'd just learned I would've kicked him in the face, stepped on his sacagawea and hair whipped him multiple times before asking if he's hot for me. What's the point of sexy dance class if it sends penises into witness protection??


If there's any type of exercise or class you want me to review shoot me a note...I'm willing to make an ass out of myself in the name of science or sport or hell anything really... 

Crosstrainapalooza - Part I

As much as triathletes love the constant repetition of their favorite three sports (or favorite 2 if you're just an "anti duathlete warrior") sometimes you gotta throw some extra spice in the routine. Lately I've been checking out some different fitness venues to see which cross training sports make me tingle. I'll post the "it's not for me" and "when is this class over" sections separately.... the following are the "holy crap I'm superman" classes:

#1 - Paddleboarding!
If you're not sure what the hell that word is you probably don't live near the water or you "can'ts read good". In the simplest terms... board + paddle = paddleboarding. It's a large stable surf board that you stand on and paddle paddle paddle. It looks something, errr exactly like this...

Jealous yet? (Paddleboard Orlando's trip to Rum Cay)

Now I'm not gonna vouch for this sport just because it's a flippin blast, I'd put down wii bowling as cross training too if that were the case. This is without question a workout... Assembly required includes: arms, core, quads, calves & all ten toes (less if you're accident prone, more if you're an alien). Core is the biggie, you really have to engage your midsection to get a good paddle stroke going. On top of that if you have a great company nearby like Paddleboard Orlando they offer more than just paddling. I've been to their happy hour cruises, twilight paddles, boot camps, yoga, races and hopefully soon their brick workouts...you could say it's addicting but that'd be selling it short.

Cons: None, unless you don't like getting your hair wet & you fall over while standing on a regular basis... and if that's the case I'd suggest loosening up your g-string and maybe seeing a doctor. 

#2 - Yoga
Everyone knows what yoga is so I'm not covering that topic. If you don't know what yoga is please consult google, if you don't know what google is than shoot yourself. That wasn't very Om of me... I take it back, just don't procreate.

So there's many different types of yoga: Power, bikram, hatha, vinyasa, asthanga, and a few other practices that sound like they could be part of the yiddish vocabulary. My favorite is hot power yoga and if I'm feelin froggy bikram.

Power yoga is a somewhat American interpretation of yoga. It's involves calisthenics, cardio and a rather quick flow from one pose to another. You'll never hold a pose for more than a few tough moments which is what my scatter brain loves... it keeps me in the moment rather than holding a pose for 5 minutes and wondering whether Mary Jane in the front row has fake boobs or not.

Bikram is more about promoting flexibility, preventing injuries and detoxifying the body. It's normally held in a room around 100 degrees which means if you have a man purse it's about to get in the splash zone. These classes I find are best as pre or post race purifiers rather than standard practice, but maybe I just can't stand the heat in this kitchen.


Cons: if you're a gassy individual - you may wanna lay off the cheese prior to yoga practice. As you open up the soul you also open up....well, other things. There is no judgement in yoga, but there is laughter.

If you're not sure what yoga you'd like, you want to experience some other types than your normal practice or you're a professional yogi and wanna have some fun I suggest events like the wonderful Rasa-Lila Fest. Tons of different studios come out to teach for an entire day so you're sure to find the gumby within.

Rasa-Lila Facebook

Stay tuned for the next post "Runaway Crosstrain, Never comin back..."

Videos that Inspire...

Ok I know my posts normally air on the side of humor but these 2 videos hit my heart harder than the scene from Titanic where that selfish b*tch hogged an entire door (Never let go my ass).

Anyway - the first one is a runner video. The second is a triathlete video and one that really hits home and gets me all a tingle:





And just to bring you back to humor town so you don't get cry-y on me:

Tosh.0	Tuesdays 10pm / 9c
The $150,000 Tosh.0 Marathon
tosh.comedycentral.com
Tosh.0 Videos Daniel Tosh Web Redemption

An Athlete's Poem...

Post sweat, I turn to you, my favorite S&M partner.
You wait patiently while I contemplate my position.
Hesitant, I climb on your curvy body.

Post sweat, I turn to you.
The tension is mounting, I'm fearful of my condition.
The first hard push, can I withstand, why am I so knotty?

Post sweat, I turn to you, my favorite S&M partner.
Unbearably rigid, you climb, inch...by...inch.
Screaming, swearing, "you mother f*cker I hate you"!!!

Post sweat, I roll off.
My muscles melt, the release was everything I needed.
Oh foam roller, I love you...until next time.

Triathlon Photo Shoot

Assisting the amazing Brook Pifer on this shoot and filming this lovely behind the scenes video. What a blast!!

www.brookpifer.com

www.catmelnyk.com

Another schooling...

I had my first race of the season folks and lets just say after that doozy, there is no where to go but massively erectly up. I trained well and yet this turned into a 3 hour and 20 minute mind game (who stole the pink 50s). Push up those reading glasses and join me for story time...

The Swim:
I always start in front, swimming is my strongest portion and I find that kicking people in the face is a great stress reliever. This was the first time I'd done roundhousing in a wetsuit though. I should have listened to myself and gone without but everyone was wearing one and I wanted to be buoyant like the cool kids. The restricted feeling of my arms and chest made me feel like I was racing in an outfit comparable to this:

At least she's wearin some sweet shades. Elmo bitches.

It took me half the course to find my rhythm and start swimming over the gps-less backstrokers. Upon exiting the water I delightfully learned that wearing a wetsuit equaled meeting my first stripper! She was a sweet dark skinned girl and when I plopped down and said "do me", she simply whispered "pull it off your butt first." I listened and she yanked my suit off as quickly as a 15 year old boy about to get some. Newly nakeder me skips off to T1...


The Bike:
I was super excited about this, I had just gotten my front derailleur *finally* and couldn't wait for the ability to change gears on some Florida mountains. What I hadn't considered was that hill #1 was going to be 0.3 seconds outside of T1... Helmet, check. Body glide, check. Anal lube - damn it. There began Clermonts rape of my ego. I couldn't figure out whether to go hard or conserve energy. Hill #1 hard. Hill 2, hold back... eek gad I'm getting passed by beer gut guy, GO GO GO! Wait, conserve energy, no whammy, no whammy. Oh pretty blue suit girl looks strong, I'll follow her - she looks good in her trisuit, I wonder what she weighs...wait did I forget breakfast - damn. And so it went for 25 neurotic miles. Fast forward to T2....


The Run:
This is when things got real bad. I'm a slow runner to begin with but never in my wildest did I see 5 stops during a 10k happening. Not only was I now energy deprived but my feet were tightening up like rocks. Another very flattering race pic:

Hottie right?!?

The 6.2 miles was 2 loops, after the 1st one I must have looked tired and slow cause coach asked if I was hydrating and guing...to which I replied yes and ummmmmmm. Mile 4 and the pads of my feet had turned to porcelain. I had to make a decision, ditch the shoes or walk the rest crying?!?! What would Chuck Norris do?? F shoes, I'm goin shoeless!!! Plus barefoot is all the rage now - time to join la revolucion. So off they went, and although I wanted to throw them in a fit of joy I withheld because triathlon equipment is expensive.


After the race I got a lot of good jobs and "it was a learning experience" which makes me feel like I rode the short bus to the race. Where'd I put that helmet again? But as much as my pride was hurt, I did indeed learn. My take away lessons were to practice better nutrition, test my equipment BEFORE races, find a solid pace on the bike and get some flippin insoles. At least I got some free pizza and bling. Count down begins to St. Anthonys.

The Sushi Experiment

Have you ever looked down at your muscle covered abdominal section and felt it do the air pocket dance? With clenched cheeks you just keep running wondering where the heck the nearest bathroom is and what it was you ate last night. You chug along at a little slower pace, eye fucking every building for a brightly lit "OPEN" sign, or even dimly lit, who cares, was that a fart?? Uh oh, Come on, come on... Ohhh, a bagel shop with all its lights on, like a giant toilet lighthouse guiding you to your throne. You get in, take a sigh of release and be on your way.

Ok so what did you eat last night?? Pizza, dairy, beer, something that tasted good?? You know better!!! Mexican is obviously the best way to ensure anal distress, so I left that out of this equation. But even some healthy foods can make you lose your relaxed running stride.

So I took it upon myself to test some foods out.

1. Pizza and beer before a 5k - didn't do much damage, I actually PR'ed this race...but any more mileage than this and I would have been making sweet music in the porta potty. Be warned.
2. Chicken and mac n cheese before a long training run - FAIL. I am now banned from the Dunkin Donuts on my running route.
3. Wheat pasta with light tomato sauce before a 10k - pasta. carb loading. you've heard it a million times. Suprisingly this worked pretty good. I had no distress, ran well and felt strong. Be careful though, heavy sauces and cream might swing this meal the other direction.
4. Sushi before a half marathon - GLORIOUS. I had a feeling that some of the lighter sushi choices, no fried or sauce heavy rolls, would be a good pre-race meal. I didn't think about my stomach, outside of nerves the entire time. The mix of carb rice and protein fish that doesn't sit heavy in your belly is really quite magical. 

Ok, so what I've learned is (and as always, everyone's different) for me, carbs are ok. Cheese is the atomic bomb. Longer runs take more consideration. And be nice to any shops open early on the weekends.

Triathlon Naming Humor

These are products, sayings, and triathlon related people that always make me chuckle:

• Chamois Butt'r always seems to bring some originality to the table:

Hoos and Nuts are covered and sometimes scented. How lovely :)

•  Sometimes muscle rollers wanna get fancy with their names though too:

The trigger point quadballer. 4 balls. Trigger point. Does this thing vibrate, cause it should. 

• There's triathlon volunteer titles such as the "finish line catcher". If you're finishing, they'll catch your goods. However, that pales in comparison to my number one pick for triathlon volunteering, "The Stripper"

• Then there's always the pre-writen fun sayings you see on coffee mugs, t-shirts and assless chaps (wait, no, maybe):

Who I do and with what.

 Or just the basic, I'm a perveted triathlete.

Feel free to come up with your own. My personal addition: "I only bonk in my off time"

Compress me!

Have you seen the guy with the $10,000 bike wearing... what are those, leg warmers?!? Is this the 80s...where the fuck is Kenny Loggins?!?

Ok no, he's wearing compression gear, and it's becoming increasingly popular. After asking around the athletic community, it's a mixed review. Some think they're generally useless while others swear by their squeeze me ever so gently powers.

The idea is that compression clothing can improve performance by reducing movement and therefore focusing the muscle's awesome force (this is great if you like to punt random objects, like footballs, or babies). They are also claiming to reduce recovery time by assisting the cardiovascular system in delivering new oxygenated blood to exercised muscles. What causes soreness is actually muscle tearing by the way, NOT LACTIC ACID... so just like Pluto, you can tell you're 7th grade teacher to "shove it" on this one too. The blood flowing to your torn muscles will assist in repair and voila, it's as if you never did that 73 mile bike ride!!! Ok, no, but it may help.

I got myself a pair of the blindingly yellow zensah's...wore them after workouts, during a ride and also for the hell of it during a humpaerobics session (I call em my "business time socks"). They feel genuinely good and I look like I could jump into a flash dance at any minute. When I tested out just having one leg on at a time, I could swear I felt my muscles regenerating...but then again I also read a lot of comic books so that may be unreliable data.

For now though, I say thumbs up...get a pair for muscle repair and anytime you've got a newly waxed tile floor you'd like to make a grand entrance on.

Blog postings I would "like" button

1. Cool stuff, products I'd never seen and good reviews on products I did know:
http://www.dcrainmaker.com/

 2. Pictures of chicks and bikes... fun:
http://chicksandbikes.blogspot.com/

3. Intro to triathlons and coaching:

ofmilesandmedals.blogspot.com

Superman: Keep the spandex, forget the X-Ray Vision

Have you ever seen a chick in a push up bra and thought "those look nice". For awhile I thought there was really no male equivalent to that. You don't get a glimpse at male goods unless articles of clothing are actually removed. However, I come to you today with the knowledge that, I was wrong.

Attend a triathlon or practice with some fit males and you'll get quite a glimpse at what each man has to offer and lucky for us, there's no cock-up bra for fake outs. Spandex, all spandex, all the time. Not only does it accentuate a toned set of abs, huge biceps or a spectacular ass, but if he's packin heat it's game on for an excitable onlooker.

Spandex on the right guy is truly a more useful version of lingerie. Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go ask the boyfriend to suit up....

Tender Trainer

The Winter Rule: Sex after trainer rides!

For anyone not familiar with the terminology, I'm referring to bike trainers:

These lovely little machines simulate road resistance when the elements outside are just too much to handle. They can also make your butt, balls or lady parts numb during the experience. This numbness doesn't really affect much, it'll wear off and tingle in that not so desirable way. 

However if you're a lady and you have a little bump and grind before a trainer ride, you might as well forget those miles. Sticking a hard item up your yoo-hoo and then following it up by putting all your weight on said hoo, is a terrible...let me say it again, TERRIBLE, idea. A word from the wise... leave the candles and baby makin music for after your spin.