Sunday, August 21, 2011

The Bend and Snap...

Have you ever bent down to touch your toes and realized, you're just not that damn flexible? Somehow this has been the case for my entire life - I've always been athletic but never stretchy. Just once I'd like to do the bend and snap with a little flair dang it!

She's got such a sweet hairdo! Jealous.

In recent years I've begun cross training with yoga, maybe not as consistently as I should but non-the-less attending. Amazingly it's helped with my travels to "this little piggy town". If I huff and I puff, I can sometimes get all the way down there. It's not just the toes and the snap that's on my radar, I am the sexual triathlete after all. If you've ever looked at a kama sutra book such as this one:

Bring it to your next book club meeting.
everything in there requires you to be at the very least a yoga instructor - which by the way is the new generation of what men oogle. Sorry gymnasts, you're old news... and sorry yoga instructors, you're in for a world of terrible pickup lines.

So for my goal of becoming more flexible I started trying different yoga venues. Recently, I sighted the amazing Rasalila Fest. It's pretty much the marathon of the yoga world, extending from 9am to 8:30pm and if anything is going to enlighten, enrich and enbendify my temple of a body that's got to be the place. The event offers 11 different yoga styles, 9 musical acts, lectures, meditations, artists, food and other specialties that can keep everyone occupied with all kinds of downward dog antics. It comes to Orlando on September 10th and I plan on spending the entire 12 hours there or as long as it takes for me to touch the toe that went to market.

Here's one of my favorite blogger's look at Rasa-lila Tampa:

Thursday, August 4, 2011

MattressMan 70.3...

You train hard. You also try to get as much McLovin as your girlfriend/boyfriend/business card you dialed will let you. Here are two humptivities that may help your triathlon performance or just make for a funny story...

****Hit the kegel gym!! ****
Kegels are exercises to strengthen the PC muscles in your pelvis. With some Barry White flowing, men flex the love muscles to delay an oncoming orgasm and this face:

Women can also flex them to create a tighter snuggie (not available in animal print). For triathletes, having great PC muscles can mean the difference between a quick pit stop at transition or peeing whenever your bladder dings ready. Giving your $3,000+ bike or the buff and soon to be pissed off triathlete behind you a golden shower is not good for business. So go ahead and squeeze, squeeze, squeeze till your hearts content... you can't pull that bad boy.

****Practice your aero position****
Step 1. Acquire a really comfortable partner who doesn't mind laughing a little while naked. If your partner laughs every time you get naked you might wanna reassess your situation or invest in one of those fancy pumps. Step 2. Assume the position: "doggie style". The, uh, top dog basically does the normal thing but adds a twist by leaning forward and laying their forearms on the partners shoulder blades. If your partner is really freakin cool/kinky/roofied you can ask for some pig tails to change your imaginary gears. Rule - if you take this route you've gotta change your "cadence" with your fake gear changes... break the rule and you've gotta figure out how to do this in the drops. 

Being in this position while continuing your race pace (whether it be sprint or ironman) brings your lower core, back and glute muscles into action and makes for a sex workout and ummm better bike handling skills. 

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Crosstrainapalooza - Part II

So part one covered my favorite cross training: Paddleboard and Yoga. Part II is designated for the "well that was fun" and "why is the clock not moving faster" classes I've been to...

1. Suspension Training aka TRX - 
These classes use suspension bands and ropes designed to use your fat ass against you. You pull, push, suspend and lean every meal you've had in the last 48 hours against these ropes and recall with vivid hatred the swim workout you're paying double for now. 
Slow motion bend and snap

I enjoyed this workout and it's twist on traditional muscle building. Planking is much harder when you're suspended a foot above the ground and still trying not to fart. If you're one of those 12 egg whites a day strength addict types, you'll probably love this. For me  it goes in the "well that was fun...I'll go back if my friends go" category for the following reasons:

Con #1 - The little holes you put your body parts into are great if you were born with only arms. Luckily I ended up with these crazy things attached to my hips that I spent an abundant amount of time getting into these freakin loops just so I could do 10 push ups before I switched to another position. 
Con #2 - This doesn't seem beginner athlete friendly, not that the instructors aren't nice, incredibly so in fact. But you've already got to be relatively svelte and with a decent core to get up and in some positions. The "I wanna get in shape" crowd could end up spending half the class on the floor without having a strength or weight loss base. 
Con #3 - This stems off part 2... if you're not in shape and your arms, legs, body gives out you're gonna "funniest home videos" face smack on the floor and although that's awesome to me cause I'm not adverse to the always classy point and laugh, it's probably not so fun to feel. Stamped: unsafe fall zone. 

2. Barre -
This class incorporates the ballet bar into a workout routine and it's the new workout craze, or so I've been told.
If only this strap was a fruit roll up...Nom nom...

This class was indeed a workout. I took breaks, I skipped a rep or 2 from muscle fatigue and I felt my glutes the next morning when I went to have my morning "carbo-unload". We did work using resistance bands, pilates balls, medicine balls, yoga moves, isometrics, weights, hip hop booty moves, shoot what didn't we do. The class moves relatively quick and tends to make you push through as many reps of a position as you can and then hold it to really sink in that burning sensation (kind of like exercise herpes).

I only have 2 cons for this class and they're not really about the quality of workout at all.. but they're deal breakers:
Con #1 - Only slightly male friendly. This class does not steer men away, there were 2 in my class, but quite a few of the moves are geared towards women specifically. Seeing a guys face turn uneasy and uncomfortable hits my "unlike" button. 
Con #2 - Price. Across the board the average price for a 55 minute barre method class is $22. An unlimited month is $100-150. Now for any regularly active person with regularly active bills that's absurd. I'm not about to pay half of my monthly gym membership to be able to put my leg up on your fancy wooden pole, not even if it vibrated!

3. Strip Aerobics
Ok so I did not venture to do the pole dancing... I'm a klutzy human being as it is, so breaking myself trying to slide down the non-proverbial pole didn't sound like a good time. Maybe if they set up some of those bowling bumper lanes underneath I'll give it a (pun intended) spin. I did try some sexy floor moves and a lap dancing course.
Can you make me a sandwich too hun??
The floor moves were fun... think Zumba but way less flaily and way more why isn't my sexy face working?!? Both courses had you smacking your own butt a lot, whipping your hair around and feeling yourself up more than your 6th grade crush. At some moments you feel super HOT and others super awkward (see: feeling yourself up in a room full of strangers). This class goes into the "one time fun"category and here's why:

Con #1 - This is a BIGGIE - I did not feel like I got a workout. I shuffled my feet a bit but I barely broke a sweat and didn't feel like I was working any major muscles so not really cardio, not really strength and not really much in between except more butt smacking.
Con #2 - Estrogen only. They're not about to shoo men away but there's also not men lining up at the door for these classes. I like what testosterone brings to exercise venues, it pushes me and it's good to look at. Thumbs down.
Con #3 - Not practical moves. If I had gone home, sat my man down on a chair and started the new dance routine I'd just learned I would've kicked him in the face, stepped on his sacagawea and hair whipped him multiple times before asking if he's hot for me. What's the point of sexy dance class if it sends penises into witness protection??

If there's any type of exercise or class you want me to review shoot me a note...I'm willing to make an ass out of myself in the name of science or sport or hell anything really...