Sunday, September 11, 2011

1st Rule of Triathlon Club....

I assume anyone whose reading this blog also reads Triathlete Magazine. It's a great little publication filled with articles on what to expect, how-tos and the must have products of the season (of course you need that $500 helmet, how else will you get faster?!?). However, there are quite a few things they always seem to leave off about the sport of triathlon that I feel are very important....

Number 10. Pre-race/ride includes quite a few people with hands down their pants... don't worry, you didn't accidentally show up to the "public masturbator's first annual tri" - applying chamois butter to your favorite parts is just an awkward situation.

Number 9. There's going to be a point in your tri career when you're going to be very pissed that you got fingernail stabbed by an overzealous "stripper" - but very happy that you can use that line for the rest of your life.

Number 8. If you see someone on a bike who keeps adjusting what seems like their knee (comes out of the saddle, swings a knee out and plants back down) you've just become a mind reader because that maneuver is the equivalent of yelling "Jeeeeebus my taint hurts!"

Number 7. If you see someone continuously look back while on their bike or run, they're surveying the scene for "fart radius" - word of advice, speed the hell up before this individual crop dusts the area.

Number 6. Everyone loves the guy who knows the nearest breakfast joint, if you're trying to make friends in this community, study up and become the awesome.

Number 5. You will inevitably have a weird bathroom story.
Examples: Friend of mine had to piddle after a long run... she went to sit down as every lady does (well most) and slid right off the seat - culprit: sweat butt.
My moment came when we launched on a 50 mile bike ride and I did not get a chance to have my morning carbo-unload... the moment we pulled in after the ride I ditched my bike and dead sprinted (ok more like squeeze ass jogged) to the bathroom, sat down and mid bomb realized I was still wearing my helmet. Safety first I suppose.

Number 4. Body glide goes everywhere. If you're not sure if you should put it there, put it there. Why they haven't created pre-race body glide baths is beyond my knowledge but hopefully it's in the works and I call dibs.

Number 3. There's a lot of people wadding around in the water before a race... you'll never know who's warming up and who's using earth's porta potty. Either way, don't be judgmental... it's not a sin to pee, it's just a way to skip the line.

Number 2. Triathlon is addictive. Don't kid yourself into thinking you'll just do one to get it off the bucket list, because it will just change from one triathlon to one 70.3 to one Ironman to 10 Ironmen and so on. Triathlon is athletic heroine and if you wanna be inducted into the club, you gotta be ready to pay up for the high.

Number 1. The first rule of triathlon club is EVERYONE talks about triathlon club... and they won't shut up. If you start a conversation with a triathlete about triathlon expect to be there for awhile or come up with a great excuse to walk away, I suggest "I forgot I left my cat on fire".


  1. I would love a slip-n-slide of body just slide across and presto! You're all lubed up!

  2. I am happy to be an ultra runner. Don't bike or swim with any urgency. But I could be persuaded to be a "stripper".

  3. Don't forget zen and the art of peeing yourself on the bike :-P

  4. Hah! Great post. Bathroom thingy happened to me this morning in fact! Not that you wanted to know that or anything.. but yes even us newbie's have been there already!

  5. Um I would love to hear... bathroom mishaps are my favorite story time tales

  6. Epic advice. And I'm so happy to know the peeing in the lake is kosher, because I totally would/will do that!

  7. That is too funny! Yes, Body Glide is a full-body application.

  8. I just found your blog...I've been doing triathlons for about 5 years now and this post is SO TRUE. I couldn't stop laughing, but also agreeing, about every rule.

  9. Hahaha! This post cracked me up and Number 1 is sooo true! I've been a member of clubs all around the world and no matter where you are everybody talks the talk!