Another schooling...

I had my first race of the season folks and lets just say after that doozy, there is no where to go but massively erectly up. I trained well and yet this turned into a 3 hour and 20 minute mind game (who stole the pink 50s). Push up those reading glasses and join me for story time...

The Swim:
I always start in front, swimming is my strongest portion and I find that kicking people in the face is a great stress reliever. This was the first time I'd done roundhousing in a wetsuit though. I should have listened to myself and gone without but everyone was wearing one and I wanted to be buoyant like the cool kids. The restricted feeling of my arms and chest made me feel like I was racing in an outfit comparable to this:

At least she's wearin some sweet shades. Elmo bitches.

It took me half the course to find my rhythm and start swimming over the gps-less backstrokers. Upon exiting the water I delightfully learned that wearing a wetsuit equaled meeting my first stripper! She was a sweet dark skinned girl and when I plopped down and said "do me", she simply whispered "pull it off your butt first." I listened and she yanked my suit off as quickly as a 15 year old boy about to get some. Newly nakeder me skips off to T1...


The Bike:
I was super excited about this, I had just gotten my front derailleur *finally* and couldn't wait for the ability to change gears on some Florida mountains. What I hadn't considered was that hill #1 was going to be 0.3 seconds outside of T1... Helmet, check. Body glide, check. Anal lube - damn it. There began Clermonts rape of my ego. I couldn't figure out whether to go hard or conserve energy. Hill #1 hard. Hill 2, hold back... eek gad I'm getting passed by beer gut guy, GO GO GO! Wait, conserve energy, no whammy, no whammy. Oh pretty blue suit girl looks strong, I'll follow her - she looks good in her trisuit, I wonder what she weighs...wait did I forget breakfast - damn. And so it went for 25 neurotic miles. Fast forward to T2....


The Run:
This is when things got real bad. I'm a slow runner to begin with but never in my wildest did I see 5 stops during a 10k happening. Not only was I now energy deprived but my feet were tightening up like rocks. Another very flattering race pic:

Hottie right?!?

The 6.2 miles was 2 loops, after the 1st one I must have looked tired and slow cause coach asked if I was hydrating and guing...to which I replied yes and ummmmmmm. Mile 4 and the pads of my feet had turned to porcelain. I had to make a decision, ditch the shoes or walk the rest crying?!?! What would Chuck Norris do?? F shoes, I'm goin shoeless!!! Plus barefoot is all the rage now - time to join la revolucion. So off they went, and although I wanted to throw them in a fit of joy I withheld because triathlon equipment is expensive.


After the race I got a lot of good jobs and "it was a learning experience" which makes me feel like I rode the short bus to the race. Where'd I put that helmet again? But as much as my pride was hurt, I did indeed learn. My take away lessons were to practice better nutrition, test my equipment BEFORE races, find a solid pace on the bike and get some flippin insoles. At least I got some free pizza and bling. Count down begins to St. Anthonys.

The Sushi Experiment

Have you ever looked down at your muscle covered abdominal section and felt it do the air pocket dance? With clenched cheeks you just keep running wondering where the heck the nearest bathroom is and what it was you ate last night. You chug along at a little slower pace, eye fucking every building for a brightly lit "OPEN" sign, or even dimly lit, who cares, was that a fart?? Uh oh, Come on, come on... Ohhh, a bagel shop with all its lights on, like a giant toilet lighthouse guiding you to your throne. You get in, take a sigh of release and be on your way.

Ok so what did you eat last night?? Pizza, dairy, beer, something that tasted good?? You know better!!! Mexican is obviously the best way to ensure anal distress, so I left that out of this equation. But even some healthy foods can make you lose your relaxed running stride.

So I took it upon myself to test some foods out.

1. Pizza and beer before a 5k - didn't do much damage, I actually PR'ed this race...but any more mileage than this and I would have been making sweet music in the porta potty. Be warned.
2. Chicken and mac n cheese before a long training run - FAIL. I am now banned from the Dunkin Donuts on my running route.
3. Wheat pasta with light tomato sauce before a 10k - pasta. carb loading. you've heard it a million times. Suprisingly this worked pretty good. I had no distress, ran well and felt strong. Be careful though, heavy sauces and cream might swing this meal the other direction.
4. Sushi before a half marathon - GLORIOUS. I had a feeling that some of the lighter sushi choices, no fried or sauce heavy rolls, would be a good pre-race meal. I didn't think about my stomach, outside of nerves the entire time. The mix of carb rice and protein fish that doesn't sit heavy in your belly is really quite magical. 

Ok, so what I've learned is (and as always, everyone's different) for me, carbs are ok. Cheese is the atomic bomb. Longer runs take more consideration. And be nice to any shops open early on the weekends.

Triathlon Naming Humor

These are products, sayings, and triathlon related people that always make me chuckle:

• Chamois Butt'r always seems to bring some originality to the table:

Hoos and Nuts are covered and sometimes scented. How lovely :)

•  Sometimes muscle rollers wanna get fancy with their names though too:

The trigger point quadballer. 4 balls. Trigger point. Does this thing vibrate, cause it should. 

• There's triathlon volunteer titles such as the "finish line catcher". If you're finishing, they'll catch your goods. However, that pales in comparison to my number one pick for triathlon volunteering, "The Stripper"

• Then there's always the pre-writen fun sayings you see on coffee mugs, t-shirts and assless chaps (wait, no, maybe):

Who I do and with what.

 Or just the basic, I'm a perveted triathlete.

Feel free to come up with your own. My personal addition: "I only bonk in my off time"