A Triathlete's Christmas Wish...

Christmas, or whatever holiday you celebrate that's overshadowed by shinny balls and a fat man looking for hoes, is a particularly interesting time of year. 

A set of weeks that can be hard on people who are desperately trying to buy the right gift, make the right craft or scramble for a last minute purchase of whatever the hell's left (oh look, a battery powered toothbrush, she'll love this!!). If you're a triathlete though, you can go ahead and tell your family "you're welcome"... cause it's so terribly easy to spend money on you. If you practice the threesome of sport you also carry a want list that's three times as long.... guaran-fuckin-teed!! 

So what are some hot products on the average triathlete's wish lists this year?? Here they are, in order from cheap as heck to you better be a trophy wife....

From welfare grandma: 

Gu, chomps or whatever other form of energy you hold near and dear to your heart. These little babies are great as stocking stuffers because who doesn't blow through packs of these quicker than a fat kid at halloween? At about $1.25 a pack or $30 for a 24 pack it's a good buy.

From the 30 year old sibling still in college:

A Road ID. It's a great gift, cause no one wants to crash and have to be identified by the nickname "gravel ass".
Or some goggles, cause well you need em, unless you're one of those weird du-people (get outta y'here). I recommend blue seventys. ($15-$60)

From your favorite Aunt, uncle or transgender relative:

Pretty right?? Transition bags are something that every triathlete can benefit from even if it's just to stay organized for training. They range from $30 to $250, depending on how many small children you're planning on transporting to the race site.

From Mom or Dad:

The taint savior also referred to as Adamo (pronunciations vary but no one really knows how to say it) is a two pronged saddle that people swear by. If your sac of yumyums or lady hoha has ever gone numb on you, ya might wanna check these out ($80-$200). 

Also, I have not tested but hear good things about Cobb saddles.

From the significant other:

An aero helmet is something that is by no means necessary but they look cool as hell. Anyone can be a triathlete but can you look good doin it? 

A garmin on the other hand is handy as hell... it's the triathlete's swiss army knife (except it beeps, glows and wont help you open a can of chili). If you want to look at your pace every 10 seconds you can.... if you wanna analyze how high you climbed before you fell over, you can... Garmin will answer all of your obsessive compulsive inquiries. ($90-$400)

If you married rich or are a trust fund baby:

The coveted power meter. Screw race wheels... if you want improvement and you want someone to spend a butt ton of money on you, er... I mean, really show they care - ask for one of these bad boys. They start around $1500 and climb high. Ask any coach or professional triathlete though, and they'll tell you it was a good investment.

The Tinman wants an Iron Heart.....

On September 25, 2011 at 3:31pm I crossed a finish line.... not only did I cross a finish line but I let out a guttural yell, began crying and hugged my boyfriend longer than comfortably allowable in such a sweaty state. It was the day of my first half Ironman or as some prefer 70-dot-3. The following is my story:

Pre-Race

A week before the race I knew losing the 20 pounds to get me to peak race weight was impossible unless I got liposuction or dropped a toddler sized deuce, an uncomfortable thought. Despite standing on a self induced weight plateau I felt that my body was ready for the race ahead. So I tapered properly, packed up, checked my list (only once, Santa must be OCD) and got on the road towards Augusta, Georgia. 

Antici.......pation

We had about 40 triathlete friends who were in Augusta for this event so from the second I arrived I became highly over stimulated. My own neurotic thoughts about random things like whether I picked the right socks (in a weird turn of events this was in fact an important decision) mixed with the infectious  energy of surrounding people created "what the f*ck cat":

He thinks my race belt's sexy. It really turns him on. 

Worked up, I slept like absolute poop cakes the night before and waited for the clock to hit 4am, as if I was chained to the bed until it hit that exact hour. I watched my boyfriend climb out of bed to take the first of many pre-race potty runs... I myself had 5, just to be safe. And with that we headed off to the race...

The Swim
Arriving at the swim start my anxiety doubled, possibly tripled...I'm not sure but I know I needed to pee again to calm down. I had made the decision to go sans wetsuit the day before and I was second guessing myself seeing so many waves suit up. My coach must've seen this because I was pulled aside right before my 8:52am start, given a pep talk and what was really needed, a hug (lame I know, but deep down I'm just a big vagina). The swim was massively quick and I felt like I'd barely exerted energy at all when I ran onto the platform 27 minutes later. I saw my friend Danielle 5 feet ahead of me and knew I needed to stay with her if I wanted to stay on track, she was my rabbit.

Total: 1.2 mi. (27:56)

1:28/100m

Saddle up...I'm heading to the Carolinas

The Bike
After 3:53 in T1 I had already lost site of thumper... I started my Garmin and began watching my time closely, it was up to me. I had planned my nutrition meticulously and knew taking in enough fuel was half the battle of this distance. Too much and I was gonna throw up, too little and I was going to be the little engine that couldn't.... and then as if right on cue, I dropped all of my salt tablets. Not even 3 miles out the door and my meticulous plan might as well have been written in crayon. I decided I was going to get as much salt from performance drinks as I could. I chugged one, then did my first ever aid station bike grab - I spoke to the guy in slow motion figuring it'd be a little more entertaining, "thaaaaaank youuuuuu". He chuckled out of pity I think. My drink plan plus intaking sports beans or a waffle every 30 minutes kept me not only energized but let me launch ahead of two of my tri bike team mates in the last 10 miles of cycling.

Total: 56 mi. (3:09:33)

17.73 mph

The Run
T2 lasted a total of 2:23 - socks, shoes, hat and I'm out and right on schedule. If I can just pull a 2 hour & 30 minute half marathon I can make it around 6 hours, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! I do not have a fond love for running, not even a mild crush but what I had energy, still, somehow. I ran till the second aid station where I treated it like the open bar at an ex's wedding... 1 water, 1 sport drink, 1 coke, 1 cookie and a cup of ice. Back to running. At mile 5 the shit hit the proverbial fan and flung it around like a monkey on spring break. The foot problems I'd had in the past just resurfaced with spectacular timing... I knew there was only one answer, the shoes had to come off. How the hell was I gonna make it through another 8 miles of rain drenched, rock paved roads in my soaking wet thin gray socks?!?! It didn't matter how, I'd already gone 62 miles, I had to finish even if it was as my alter ego "Barefoot Chuck". Each step got more painful, more blister prone, more ankle wrenching, but I was close. With only a mile left I saw my coach for the second time that day. Standing in the middle of the road he said "if you have to drop your shoes, drop em"... what I heard was "GO"! The shoes hit the ground and I took off. Mom, dad, sweet sweaty boyfriend - I'm coming, I'm coming for my bling!!!!!!!!!! And I did...

Total: 13.1 mi (2:55:41)

13:24/mi

Overall Finishing Time 6:39:26

The Aftermath

I was not hungry or thirsty after passing the line, all I wanted was someone to fix my feet. I hobbled to the massage tent where a nice lady looked at my them and responded "ohhh dear no, you need ummm, not a massage, a salt bath, maybe?" As the day went on my feet callused over but the hunger didn't set in until the next morning where I demolished 3 plates of breakfast foods....

Actual size. 

The next morning also brought a soreness I'd never known before. I couldn't laugh because it made my ass hurt, I couldn't walk faster than an 80 year old and I was chaffed in parts of my body I didn't know were chafe-able. After the dust settled and the muscles loosened up all I'm left with is my race goodies, the pictures, the memories, the bragging rights and the task of setting new goals. I think that's a pretty sweet trade off really.

1st Rule of Triathlon Club....

I assume anyone whose reading this blog also reads Triathlete Magazine. It's a great little publication filled with articles on what to expect, how-tos and the must have products of the season (of course you need that $500 helmet, how else will you get faster?!?). However, there are quite a few things they always seem to leave off about the sport of triathlon that I feel are very important....

Number 10. Pre-race/ride includes quite a few people with hands down their pants... don't worry, you didn't accidentally show up to the "public masturbator's first annual tri" - applying chamois butter to your favorite parts is just an awkward situation.

Number 9. There's going to be a point in your tri career when you're going to be very pissed that you got fingernail stabbed by an overzealous "stripper" - but very happy that you can use that line for the rest of your life.

Number 8. If you see someone on a bike who keeps adjusting what seems like their knee (comes out of the saddle, swings a knee out and plants back down) you've just become a mind reader because that maneuver is the equivalent of yelling "Jeeeeebus my taint hurts!"

Number 7. If you see someone continuously look back while on their bike or run, they're surveying the scene for "fart radius" - word of advice, speed the hell up before this individual crop dusts the area.

Number 6. Everyone loves the guy who knows the nearest breakfast joint, if you're trying to make friends in this community, study up and become the awesome.

Number 5. You will inevitably have a weird bathroom story.
Examples: Friend of mine had to piddle after a long run... she went to sit down as every lady does (well most) and slid right off the seat - culprit: sweat butt.
My moment came when we launched on a 50 mile bike ride and I did not get a chance to have my morning carbo-unload... the moment we pulled in after the ride I ditched my bike and dead sprinted (ok more like squeeze ass jogged) to the bathroom, sat down and mid bomb realized I was still wearing my helmet. Safety first I suppose.

Number 4. Body glide goes everywhere. If you're not sure if you should put it there, put it there. Why they haven't created pre-race body glide baths is beyond my knowledge but hopefully it's in the works and I call dibs.

Number 3. There's a lot of people wadding around in the water before a race... you'll never know who's warming up and who's using earth's porta potty. Either way, don't be judgmental... it's not a sin to pee, it's just a way to skip the line.

Number 2. Triathlon is addictive. Don't kid yourself into thinking you'll just do one to get it off the bucket list, because it will just change from one triathlon to one 70.3 to one Ironman to 10 Ironmen and so on. Triathlon is athletic heroine and if you wanna be inducted into the club, you gotta be ready to pay up for the high.

Number 1. The first rule of triathlon club is EVERYONE talks about triathlon club... and they won't shut up. If you start a conversation with a triathlete about triathlon expect to be there for awhile or come up with a great excuse to walk away, I suggest "I forgot I left my cat on fire".

Triathlon Photo Shoot

Assisting the amazing Brook Pifer on this shoot and filming this lovely behind the scenes video. What a blast!!

www.brookpifer.com

www.catmelnyk.com

Another schooling...

I had my first race of the season folks and lets just say after that doozy, there is no where to go but massively erectly up. I trained well and yet this turned into a 3 hour and 20 minute mind game (who stole the pink 50s). Push up those reading glasses and join me for story time...

The Swim:
I always start in front, swimming is my strongest portion and I find that kicking people in the face is a great stress reliever. This was the first time I'd done roundhousing in a wetsuit though. I should have listened to myself and gone without but everyone was wearing one and I wanted to be buoyant like the cool kids. The restricted feeling of my arms and chest made me feel like I was racing in an outfit comparable to this:

At least she's wearin some sweet shades. Elmo bitches.

It took me half the course to find my rhythm and start swimming over the gps-less backstrokers. Upon exiting the water I delightfully learned that wearing a wetsuit equaled meeting my first stripper! She was a sweet dark skinned girl and when I plopped down and said "do me", she simply whispered "pull it off your butt first." I listened and she yanked my suit off as quickly as a 15 year old boy about to get some. Newly nakeder me skips off to T1...


The Bike:
I was super excited about this, I had just gotten my front derailleur *finally* and couldn't wait for the ability to change gears on some Florida mountains. What I hadn't considered was that hill #1 was going to be 0.3 seconds outside of T1... Helmet, check. Body glide, check. Anal lube - damn it. There began Clermonts rape of my ego. I couldn't figure out whether to go hard or conserve energy. Hill #1 hard. Hill 2, hold back... eek gad I'm getting passed by beer gut guy, GO GO GO! Wait, conserve energy, no whammy, no whammy. Oh pretty blue suit girl looks strong, I'll follow her - she looks good in her trisuit, I wonder what she weighs...wait did I forget breakfast - damn. And so it went for 25 neurotic miles. Fast forward to T2....


The Run:
This is when things got real bad. I'm a slow runner to begin with but never in my wildest did I see 5 stops during a 10k happening. Not only was I now energy deprived but my feet were tightening up like rocks. Another very flattering race pic:

Hottie right?!?

The 6.2 miles was 2 loops, after the 1st one I must have looked tired and slow cause coach asked if I was hydrating and guing...to which I replied yes and ummmmmmm. Mile 4 and the pads of my feet had turned to porcelain. I had to make a decision, ditch the shoes or walk the rest crying?!?! What would Chuck Norris do?? F shoes, I'm goin shoeless!!! Plus barefoot is all the rage now - time to join la revolucion. So off they went, and although I wanted to throw them in a fit of joy I withheld because triathlon equipment is expensive.


After the race I got a lot of good jobs and "it was a learning experience" which makes me feel like I rode the short bus to the race. Where'd I put that helmet again? But as much as my pride was hurt, I did indeed learn. My take away lessons were to practice better nutrition, test my equipment BEFORE races, find a solid pace on the bike and get some flippin insoles. At least I got some free pizza and bling. Count down begins to St. Anthonys.

Triathlon Naming Humor

These are products, sayings, and triathlon related people that always make me chuckle:

• Chamois Butt'r always seems to bring some originality to the table:

Hoos and Nuts are covered and sometimes scented. How lovely :)

•  Sometimes muscle rollers wanna get fancy with their names though too:

The trigger point quadballer. 4 balls. Trigger point. Does this thing vibrate, cause it should. 

• There's triathlon volunteer titles such as the "finish line catcher". If you're finishing, they'll catch your goods. However, that pales in comparison to my number one pick for triathlon volunteering, "The Stripper"

• Then there's always the pre-writen fun sayings you see on coffee mugs, t-shirts and assless chaps (wait, no, maybe):

Who I do and with what.

 Or just the basic, I'm a perveted triathlete.

Feel free to come up with your own. My personal addition: "I only bonk in my off time"

Superman: Keep the spandex, forget the X-Ray Vision

Have you ever seen a chick in a push up bra and thought "those look nice". For awhile I thought there was really no male equivalent to that. You don't get a glimpse at male goods unless articles of clothing are actually removed. However, I come to you today with the knowledge that, I was wrong.

Attend a triathlon or practice with some fit males and you'll get quite a glimpse at what each man has to offer and lucky for us, there's no cock-up bra for fake outs. Spandex, all spandex, all the time. Not only does it accentuate a toned set of abs, huge biceps or a spectacular ass, but if he's packin heat it's game on for an excitable onlooker.

Spandex on the right guy is truly a more useful version of lingerie. Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go ask the boyfriend to suit up....

Tender Trainer

The Winter Rule: Sex after trainer rides!

For anyone not familiar with the terminology, I'm referring to bike trainers:

These lovely little machines simulate road resistance when the elements outside are just too much to handle. They can also make your butt, balls or lady parts numb during the experience. This numbness doesn't really affect much, it'll wear off and tingle in that not so desirable way. 

However if you're a lady and you have a little bump and grind before a trainer ride, you might as well forget those miles. Sticking a hard item up your yoo-hoo and then following it up by putting all your weight on said hoo, is a terrible...let me say it again, TERRIBLE, idea. A word from the wise... leave the candles and baby makin music for after your spin.