MattressMan 70.3...

You train hard. You also try to get as much McLovin as your girlfriend/boyfriend/business card you dialed will let you. Here are two humptivities that may help your triathlon performance or just make for a funny story...

****Hit the kegel gym!! ****

Kegels are exercises to strengthen the PC muscles in your pelvis. With some Barry White flowing, men flex the love muscles to delay an oncoming orgasm and this face:

Women can also flex them to create a tighter snuggie (not available in animal print). For triathletes, having great PC muscles can mean the difference between a quick pit stop at transition or peeing whenever your bladder dings ready. Giving your $3,000+ bike or the buff and soon to be pissed off triathlete behind you a golden shower is not good for business. So go ahead and squeeze, squeeze, squeeze till your hearts content... you can't pull that bad boy.

****Practice your aero position****

Step 1. Acquire a really comfortable partner who doesn't mind laughing a little while naked. If your partner laughs every time you get naked you might wanna reassess your situation or invest in one of those fancy pumps. Step 2. Assume the position: "doggie style". The, uh, top dog basically does the normal thing but adds a twist by leaning forward and laying their forearms on the partners shoulder blades. If your partner is really freakin cool/kinky/roofied you can ask for some pig tails to change your imaginary gears. Rule - if you take this route you've gotta change your "cadence" with your fake gear changes... break the rule and you've gotta figure out how to do this in the drops. 

Being in this position while continuing your race pace (whether it be sprint or ironman) brings your lower core, back and glute muscles into action and makes for a sex workout and ummm better bike handling skills.